Let's tell the truth

I had an epiphany this morning. Just a few moments ago.

Clearly, it's been a while since that happened since I've not posted here in oh, OVER a year.

So...here's some truths to tell:

1 - I weigh 265 lbs. I am at an all time high and I hate it. I'm miserable and constantly anxious about it.

2 - I worship the Biggest Loser. I spend Tuesday nights mesmerized by what the contestants have been able to do and spend a ridiculous amount of emotional real estate on the 'if only's.

3 - and THIS is the hard part...I have spent 36.5 years focusing on what other people think of me and I am DONE with it.

My friend Robin had/has a quote on her email that goes like this. "Enough with the not doing."... AMEN. I am done with the not doing that has given the entire world (if it so chose) the power to kick my ass.

I realized this morning as I curled my hair in the bathroom that I haven't seen me in years. If ever. I have deja vu. I've been here before and I don't know when. I do know that I have never stopped, put down the donut, and really, TRULY looked at myself. and speaking of truth telling, if I DID try, I never looked at my face. Only the fat. Only the stretch marks. Only the belly, the thighs...oh yes, I did lip service from time to time to hide just how depressed I was, "Sure, Tee Tee...I know I'm not ugly, just fat"...or "I know I could be (insert positive adjective here) if I lost (insert number here) lbs."

Know what? I'm beautiful. Seriously, beautifully aesthetically attractive. I'm one of the funniest people I know. I'm wildly charismatic when 'hiding' my pain and I'm resourceful all the time.

I thought I needed a hero. I thought I needed to want to be "Hannah" or "Allie" or "Tara" from the Biggest Loser. I kept thinking "If I could just do what they do, I'd be successful"....NOT so.

I realized today, I need to be my own god-damned hero. (Pardon my French and y'all know I don't say that often...it's used here specifically for emphatic purposes)...I don't need to believe in THEM. I need to think like they do. I need to believe in ME.

You've been sent a link to this post because I trust you and I love you and you trust me and you love me. HOLD MY PREVIOUSLY NON-BELIEVING ASS ACCOUNTABLE PLEASE. This is probably the most 'real' I've ever been with me. While you may not be shocked (odds are you are not)...I'm shocked and awed and damn proud of myself.

To the rest of my life. :) and yours too.

to the nonjiggle goal

I woke up with the motivation of a pregnant slug this morning. YIKES. Then I read my friend Robin's posts and it snapped me back, so thanks shug!

I have officially (meaning logged on the WW Website) reached my first 10%...I CAN do this for another year and a half. Because...I had my doubts, but it is true that you change your lifestyle following weight watchers. I literally don't 'go there' when I'm in a funk. I'm digging that!!!!

It was an amazing experience to be able to crawl, play, roll around and 'mess with' my son on the floor yesterday and not get winded or tired. And, I cannot believe I'm putting this in print on a website, but here goes...I can bend over at the waist, touch the floor and not have to spread my legs OR bend my knees to accommodate my gut. :) That is HUGE to me! For those of you who don't know, my goal long term is (aside from being attractive and healthy, yadayadayada) that #1 - when I jump up and down, the only thing I can feel jiggle upon landing is my boobs (this will become even more important in the marathon Summer 2011)...and #2) - when I step on an elevator or cross the floor at my parents, I don't feel the elevator drop OR the glass wiggle in my parents china cabinet...

While that may sound stupid, retarded or just plain strange, those are experiences that are discrete reminders of my horizontal challenge and I want to rid my experience on this earth of any of those. To a new week of work, fun, fitness and caloric deprivation for the greater good.

whole different perspective

I'm amazed by the fact that what used to be a crippling crutch has become what I'm holding on to. I have, for the better part of 35 years, been fat my entire life. I have, all of that time, never wanted to change it for good, but rather, just change it. I have, every time, lost and gained it all back...and I have, (deep breath), always avoided acknowledging all of this...

So, imagine my surprise as I struggle with a bit of an identity crisis with the last year's events (I'll briefly recap):

• moving back to RTP
• new job that is a challenge for reasons I can't control but that the function of which I absolutely LOVE
• varner's dumb ass move of offing herself
• selling the harley
• giving birth to the most amazing kid on the planet
• oh yeah...and being on the LONGEST dry spell of my life with no end in sight b/c I never leave the damn HOUSE.

I digress, imagine my surprise this morning to wake up and realize that I'm not afraid of my weight anymore...in fact, if it had its own cognition it should fear the #$%k out of me, because I am OFFICIALLY kicking my own ass! 10% down as of today...I could cry I'm so thrilled. I never, ever in a bajillion years would have expected THIS change to be the one that sustaining me through the struggles...I never, ever would have expected to say and mean it (my bff Jeanette was the recipient of this gem), "I'm so PISSED I can't workout this week!"...holy $hit, kids! Straight up, where the hell did the lazy-ass, energy-strapped, fat girl go???

Maybe it's fueled by frustrations and anxiety, maybe it's the prescription my doctor has me on to help me 'speed myself' in my hormonally-screwed new body post baby...I don't know and (right now) don't care where it's coming from...because this $hit is KEWL. :)

I can do everything!!!!

Well team CMama get thinner...we did it. We navigated the holidays and lost 13.9 lbs b/w Thanksgiving and the New Year...first week in the New Year SUCKED...but it's getting better. As of this a.m. I'm down a total 22.9 lbs. I can respect THAT!

86.9 more to go...that is SO much better than over 87 or over 90 or over 100 or 108 for that matter....whooo hoo!!!!!

where oh where have I been?

The answer is...eating like shit, feeling like shit, and NOT behaving myself. I fell off the wagon, and am BACK ON again. I'd love to lose 12 lbs in the month of December through Christmas and all the parties and food and celebrations. If I can do that, I can do ANYTHING.

Turn this motha out!!!!!!!!!!!

I was dancing in my kitchen like a skinny-bitch-to-be this morning. I lost 3.3 lbs last week. I ate as much as I was allowed, I worked out and I did NOT starve myself. FINALLY a big week. 11.2 lbs down, 91 to go. I guess that sounds better than a hundred, but for now, I have a goal weight in mind by January 1, which is to lost another 15.

What an interesting morning this is. I woke up DREADING weighing and said to myself b/f I stepped on the scale that no matter what the results, I knew I'd done my best. What a positive way to feel! Damn that Jillian Michaels is SPOT on. Her book has been really helpful. Add to that Dr. Phil's book and all that jazz about positive self talk and it's like I've DVR'ed Oprah or something I'm so damn positive. :)

That said, I'm not sure they'd appreciate the white board note to self on my fridge that says in big ass black letters, WORK OUT FATTIE!!!! (heart) you...

But hey, whatever works. I'd also like to personally kiss the makers of Blue Bunny 100 Calorie Butter Pecan bars. They have been my substitute for sex. Now there's a whole OTHER topic. Challenged by the lonelies...I'm getting old, it's cold outside and my son goes to bed too damn early. All I keep thinking on that frickin' elliptical machine is every drop of sweat is like a microscopic fat molecule busting wide ass open.

Have an awesome day today!!!! I don't think even the koozes that piss me off could do so today. :)

UGH...dammit all!

I know I know I KNOW...DON'T weigh more than once a week...So I got ALL excited as of Sat...I'd lost 2.9 lbs this week, well damn if as of this a.m. it's down to .9 lbs. I want MORE. but, with the time change I've not been motivated to work out at all...

So this am. I wrote an exceptionally positive note to self on my fridge white board...hello, fatso...WORK OUT.

think it'll help?