I had an epiphany this morning. Just a few moments ago.
Clearly, it's been a while since that happened since I've not posted here in oh, OVER a year.
So...here's some truths to tell:
1 - I weigh 265 lbs. I am at an all time high and I hate it. I'm miserable and constantly anxious about it.
2 - I worship the Biggest Loser. I spend Tuesday nights mesmerized by what the contestants have been able to do and spend a ridiculous amount of emotional real estate on the 'if only's.
3 - and THIS is the hard part...I have spent 36.5 years focusing on what other people think of me and I am DONE with it.
My friend Robin had/has a quote on her email that goes like this. "Enough with the not doing."... AMEN. I am done with the not doing that has given the entire world (if it so chose) the power to kick my ass.
I realized this morning as I curled my hair in the bathroom that I haven't seen me in years. If ever. I have deja vu. I've been here before and I don't know when. I do know that I have never stopped, put down the donut, and really, TRULY looked at myself. and speaking of truth telling, if I DID try, I never looked at my face. Only the fat. Only the stretch marks. Only the belly, the thighs...oh yes, I did lip service from time to time to hide just how depressed I was, "Sure, Tee Tee...I know I'm not ugly, just fat"...or "I know I could be (insert positive adjective here) if I lost (insert number here) lbs."
Know what? I'm beautiful. Seriously, beautifully aesthetically attractive. I'm one of the funniest people I know. I'm wildly charismatic when 'hiding' my pain and I'm resourceful all the time.
I thought I needed a hero. I thought I needed to want to be "Hannah" or "Allie" or "Tara" from the Biggest Loser. I kept thinking "If I could just do what they do, I'd be successful"....NOT so.
I realized today, I need to be my own god-damned hero. (Pardon my French and y'all know I don't say that often...it's used here specifically for emphatic purposes)...I don't need to believe in THEM. I need to think like they do. I need to believe in ME.
You've been sent a link to this post because I trust you and I love you and you trust me and you love me. HOLD MY PREVIOUSLY NON-BELIEVING ASS ACCOUNTABLE PLEASE. This is probably the most 'real' I've ever been with me. While you may not be shocked (odds are you are not)...I'm shocked and awed and damn proud of myself.
To the rest of my life. :) and yours too.