Tuesday, October 27, 2009

pregnant slugs and other inspirations

I know I know I know...b/f I even type it I know I should NOT weigh daily. But if this is a compulsion that drives me, I know my huarache mandal wearing shrink would approve.

I am so very proud of myself as I pushed myself to get on that damn black beast that sits between me and my deck, although I thought about putting it in the kitchen! I worked out even though I had the energy of a pregnant slug and it wasn't bad. It really wasn't. Which of course has the Jillian in my head screaming it was too easy and I'm worthless. But...I'm not.

OF COURSE, I weighed this morning expecting/hoping/willing the scale to have moved. Nope...stuck. Like a stone wedged betwist the fat dimples of my ass. I cannot BELIEVE it...I was so good yesterday. I ate every 3 hours ... I moved around as much as possible. I wore heels for God's sake. Thank God I'm not 'using' my acitivity points b/c I'd probably be the first person in history to 'gain' following the program to the letter.

GRRRR...this sucks. WHY did I let myself gain to this point? WHY did I do this to my body? It makes me so mad! I have 3 major regrets in my life: 1 - getting fat; 2 - being a cigarette addict and loving to smoke; and 3 - bad relationships. Well dammit I'm changing all 3, if not 'fixing' all 3, so what the hell...persistence not perfection. (As one of those annoying lifetime members on WW said)...

Monday, October 26, 2009

ha! little b@#tard...

That lyin' little scale got what was coming to it...in the trash truck it went this a.m.

Down another 1.9 lbs...of COURSE it couldn't be two....so 7.9 it is as of this a.m. GRRR.

On another note...I survived Mama's cookin' yesterday and the Friday night case of "wanna-be-my-former-drunk-badass-unhealthy-choice-making-single-self" and EVEN worked out.

Feelin' purty durn aite today if I do say so myself.

And professionally things are happening that make me HAPPY....my big daddy and little mama rock. :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

oh fabulous

woo hoo! i bought me a brand new shiny scale today. weeeeeeeeee! what f'in' fun. it shows your weight to the 1/10th of a lb...thinking that would be MORE motivation on those slow loss weeks...well THAT was thinking positive b/c it weighs 7.8 lbs HEAVIER than my old ones.

the only potential positives here are:
  • maybe I've lost more if the old one said I weighed less?
  • I know how big my ass is for REAL and can see it in black and white instead of that lying ass little needle
  • it was on sale.

my ranting here is done. plllllllllllllllllllltttttttttttttttth to the folks with a kickstart metabolism on naturally SPEEDY. buttheads.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Nothing lasts forever...well yeah...It does

Kids put a fine perspective on things...I can't thank God enough for my son. Upon weighing this morning and having stuck to my points and exercised like a fiend (at least by my sedentary standards), I lost ONE friggin' lb. last week. So, I drank my fat-free creamer with my coffee this morning and sat pensively contemplating how long this deprivation, discipline and grueling task will take...b/c nothing lasts forever...oh yeah?

Actually...it will. Last forever. I slapped my fat ass back into reality when I think about the WHY behind the efforts to lose weight and be healthy. My goal of being a fit and energetic and potentially gorgeous Mama for my son IS a forever goal. Is a forever task. Is a forever freedom. Is a forever gift.

Thank you Cole. Mommy loves you and will stick with this, bud...we BOTH deserve the best me I can be.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

plump, heavy, overweight, thick and other euphamisms

I must be feeling at least a tad better about myself because I bought new shoes and earrings. It's amazing to me how fat people who want to be tricky wear all black and GREAT shoes and jewelry. There's a woman at work who dresses like a fashionista despite her horizontal challenge and she looks great and looks HAPPY and I want to get inside HER head for a day or two.

Me, I wake up at 5 in the morning thinking of all the happy fat euphemisms that make being FAT yes, FAT tolerable. Enough of the bullshit self talk...Fat ain't happy. It ain't healthy. It ain't energetic. SERIOUSLY. I am so sick of having lost this battle and the scale isn't moving fast enough!

And speaking of scales, the little white flat liar is about to get hurled across my bathroom! I've been more anal than Monk this week and it says I've lost 1/2 what I did LAST week when I didn't cheat but I damn well had a blowout night after that meeting from hell that lasted longer than my last marriage...wait I've not been married...I digress.

Hell with it. Maybe it's just a plateau. I know all my skinny non-horizontally challenged not FAT friends are reading this thinking, but you're losing, so what if it's just a lb? That's healthy...hell with healthy...I want RESULTS. Grrrr....the Biggest Loser is great for motivation, but not so much for week to week loss measurements of what's realistic. I mean, no one does a reality Weight Watchers show...it's greuling to watch and participate in, not titillating! There's no drumroll when you get on the scale and lose an OUNCE.

I'm fired up...can anyone tell?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

ok...so today is a new day and yesterday was a BIG FAT challenge! argh! i'm on edge, pissy, broke and at a point of just wanting to find the nearest big of toffee I can and just blowing it and I do NOT know what the problem is!

I am compulsive, self-destructive and admittedly so. But DAMMIT. I look at my little baby boy peacefully sleeping in his little swing and he deserves a mommy with all the potential energy she has, in a good mood as much as possible and self-aware and self-satisfied. THIS thing that I feel like this morning is not who I am or want to be...grr.

It all goes back to these koozes at work (couple of 'em) that have just PISSED me off. They have a teflon shield around them and it makes me nuts! Going back to the first post, that whole supposition that fat people are lazy makes me crazy b/c I'm one of the least lazy people I know...these teflonites are lazy as hell! Grr....ok, I wish I felt better now but at least I've ranted appropriately.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

5 down, 95 to go!!!!

hmmmm...when ya put it like that........it sounds like a long road. I have worked hard for 2 weeks and lost 5 lbs. i'm more than ok with that. I want this shit gone, gone and gone. Any of you reading this (well, not miss Bria, only b/c she hasn't known me long enough) have seen me gain and lose the same damn weight in a myriad of unhealthy ways.

THIS IS HEALTHY....I eat all the time and I'm not starving either.

Ps, my karma bit me in the arse last night. bc I complained about not getting the elliptical, of course, they delivered it, so I had to get on! It was almost fun. :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

and again more clarity

you know it's BAD when you are so looking forward to a damn exercise machine that you cuss b/c they can't deliver it in the rain. now I can't burn off the 2 extra points I went over on it! More tomfoolery and dancing in the living room.


SO...i had a moment at lunch, while gnoshing on my 5 point weight watchers mini pizzas, ruminating over the horror of eating at my desk, simultaneously contemplating the muffintops of my KNEES (gross)...I digress...back to the moment of clarity.... I had a moment that I realized how it was easy to gain all the weight that I lost in 2002 back with the exception of yes, 14 lbs. UNREAL...

previously, I have had the absolute CURSE of it being EASY to drop the first 40 lbs...well hello, metabolism, being over 30 and having a kid has definitely changed all that. 2 weeks on weight watchers and 4 lbs down and I could jump for damn joy. I am not going back.

and if you saw the Biggest Loser last night...DON'T TELL ME...I will be watching it tonight after doing laundry, walmart shopping, feeding and spending time with my child and somehow finding the energy on my noncaloric intake to get on the elliptical that's being delivered TONIGHT.

must be the weather

it's not even 7 AM and i want to eat EVERYTHING in sight. all i can think is it's the damn rain. what the hell happened to all that energy and motivation I had yesterday? i felt GOOD yesterday...today I feel like a 200 lbs+ bowl of jello with feet that HURT.

hey dumbass, remember looking at that FOUR lbs of butter in the store a few days ago? THAT's what you aren't carrying ever again...knock it off.

cole will sleep all night again at some point...maybe that's it...i'm tired and cranky and need a 'toffee' fix...toffee is bad for my teeth and in combo with hershey's puts cute little dimples on my ass. no thanks.

the elliptical will be here in 12 hours. cannot WAIT. now if my ass is kicked again tomorrow am. i'll know it was because i moved it more. that i can live with.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

OK, so I did the oh so healthy THANG at lunch and bought the elliptical machine. What an EXCELLENT motivator to keep up with my DVRing ass that can't stay up past 9:30...additionally, I have a 'new' attainable goal in mind. While contemplating what it must be like to be thin, healthy, and free of the fat trap, I decided what would make me 'happy' with my body....to be able to jump up and down nekkid and FEEL (note, did not say see) but FEEL nothing but my tatas jiggle...works for me.

hell with 'em

So I've decided that part of my challenge is straight up loneliness. I am FINE until the evening after I put my son to bed...then I realize it's just me and the TV. Time for that to CHANGE. I am so sick of being the 'cute, funny, fat chick'...I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day and telling her just how fed up I am with the attitudes of 'she'd be so pretty if she'd just lose weight.'...First of all, buying into that b.s. makes me believe it too! Second of all, what IF I said to all those non-horizontally-challenged PEOPLE well that's good b/c you're ugly because your mama dresses you funny! ... they would want to be locked in by their clothing anymore than I want to be locked in by the size of my ass!
That said, to that skinny witch that hosted one of my meetings last week, she can kiss it...b/c she may be thin but she's still missing her light because she's hateful. I hate prejudice for any reason, but to those folks out there thinking I got fat because I'm lazy, NOT so...I got fat b/c I don't like myself...that's fixin' to change. Now, if I can just like those 100 calorie packs a little less, all will be JUST fine. damn 2 point addictive little piece o' $hit!